I am going to be completely honest here, as that is what I started this blog for to begin with...to post about the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between this journey of learning to trust God through the struggles of weight loss. I am sad to report that I have simply lost my way in this journey with my weight. Thus, why I feel God lead me to re-read these posts. I have not only gained what weight I had lost back, I have actually surpassed my highest weight ever of 302! I have been up and down between the 305-309 mark for several months now.
I have felt so bad physically. It is hard to walk without getting out of breath or my knee hurting. I have no energy. I have been so sleepy...at times while driving, which is very scary! Spiritually I have been up and down also. I have been and am battling depression, and fallen back into some of my bad habits. I am not writing all of this to be negative, just being open and honest. Sometimes our journey does not look pretty. Sometimes we have to take a moment and stand and look back at where we were, and where we have come from and find out what we need to do to get back on track.
To me, this is a spiritual battle. Yes, I know there is lots of weight that I need to lose, and yes, I know I have to make the right choices to get to a healthier body. But when you are fighting spiritual battles, fighting against battles in your mind...strongholds that have taken root because of past experiences...you have to not only be ready spiritually, but also physically to fight this type of battle! And thus, I feel like I am just going around in circles. I am too weary and tired, both physically and spiritually to be able to fight these defeating spirits and strongholds!
BUT...GOD! He is who I need! He is who can fight these battles for me. He is the only one who can help me defeat these demons and spirits of discouragement and defeat. I have a friend who wrote something in a post in a Facebook group that I am in.that really hit home with me. What she said was exactly the way I have felt in my life. I won't share word for word what she wrote, as this was a private group, but basically she said, and what I totally related to was that:
Disappointment has always surrounded my life and because of that, I live with a fear that my life will always be this way, that things will not change, that I will never be the wife and mother God wants me to be, that I will always be over weight and will never be able to change my habits to be the healthy person God wants me to be. Something else she said that really spoke to me was that satan deceives us into believing that if we truly trust in God, we will just end up being disappointed! And that by holding on to this lie, what we think was protecting our hearts from the pain of being disappointed, and in all truth, this is just creating more pain and keeping us in bondage to disappointment! (Oh, If I can just grasp this truly and let go of this lie of satan! By holding on to this lie, and any other lies we might be holding on to, for protection or whatever, we are just making our lives more miserable and bringing death instead of life!
Again, I am not trying to be so negative...just letting you all know the true struggles that I have. I know I have got to let go of my disappointments, be thankful for what God has done and is doing in my life, and continue trusting in Him! He is the only one who can change me and change my mindset, and that in turn, will help me to continue on this weight loss journey.
Thank you for listening. I hope in some way, this might help someone else who is struggling to continue believing God and not our enemy!
