Lies and Truth

Wow!  I was reading over my past blog posts...as I am needing some encouragement and direction...and am so appalled to realize I have only posted one blog post this year!  Where has the time gone?!

I am going to be completely honest here, as that is what I started this blog for to begin with...to post about the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between this journey of learning to trust God through the struggles of weight loss.  I am sad to report that I have simply lost my way in this journey with my weight.  Thus, why I feel God lead me to re-read these posts.  I have not only gained what weight I had lost back, I have actually surpassed my highest weight ever of 302!  I have been up and down between the 305-309 mark for several months now.

I have felt so bad physically.  It is hard to walk without getting out of breath or my knee hurting.  I have no energy.  I have been so sleepy...at times while driving, which is very scary!  Spiritually I have been up and down also.  I have been and am battling depression, and fallen back into some of my bad habits.  I am not writing all of this to be negative, just being open and honest.  Sometimes our journey does not look pretty.  Sometimes we have to take a moment and stand and look back at where we were, and where we have come from and find out what we need to do to get back on track.

To me, this is a spiritual battle.  Yes, I know there is lots of weight that I need to lose, and yes, I know I have to make the right choices to get to a healthier body.  But when you are fighting spiritual battles, fighting against battles in your mind...strongholds that have taken root because of past experiences...you have to not only be ready spiritually, but also physically to fight this type of battle!  And thus, I feel like I am just going around in circles.  I am too weary and tired, both physically and spiritually to be able to fight these defeating spirits and strongholds!

BUT...GOD!  He is who I need!  He is who can fight these battles for me.  He is the only one who can help me defeat these demons and spirits of discouragement and defeat.  I have a friend who wrote something in a post in a  Facebook group that I am in.that really hit home with me.  What she said was exactly the way I have felt in my life.  I won't share word for word what she wrote, as this was a private group, but basically she said, and what I totally related to was that:
Disappointment has always surrounded my life and because of that, I live with a fear that my life will always be this way, that things will not change, that I will never be the wife and mother God wants me to be, that I will always be over weight and will never be able to change my habits to be the healthy person God wants me to be.  Something else she said that really spoke to me was that satan deceives us into believing that if we truly trust in God, we will just end up being disappointed!  And that by holding on to this lie, what we think was protecting our hearts from the pain of being disappointed, and in all truth, this is just creating more pain and keeping us in bondage to disappointment!  (Oh, If I can just grasp this truly and let go of this lie of satan!  By holding on to this lie, and any other lies we might be holding on to, for protection or whatever, we are just making our lives more miserable and bringing death instead of life!

Again, I am not trying to be so negative...just letting you all know the true struggles that I have.  I know I have got to let go of my disappointments, be thankful for what God has done and is doing in my life, and continue trusting in Him!  He is the only one who can change me and change my mindset, and that in turn, will help me to continue on this weight loss journey.

Thank you for listening.  I hope in some way, this might help someone else who is struggling to continue believing God and not our enemy!

My First 5K!

I know I haven't posted a blog in quite a long time, but I just couldn't let this monumental moment go by without a post.  On April 26th I walked my first 5K!  It was the Color Me Rad in Knoxville, TN.  

Here is a few of us before the race began.

I always wondered what it would be like to do one, but always let my weight and my knee problems keep me from actually trying it.  I must say in the weeks and days before there were lots of emotions and fears going through my mind!  I almost backed out at the last minute, but I had paid so much money...having signed up the whole family to walk it with me.  My son did back out, but my daughter and her friend and my husband went with me.

My daughter and I

My husband and I

I am SO glad I did not back out!  It was so much fun!  I was so surprised how well I did...even my knee felt good!  My husband and I finished in a little over an hour.  The only thing that really bothered me were my feet, and that was not until almost 3/4 of the way through.

Walking the first mile.

My husband and I after the race.

After the race I felt so energized!  I was amazed at how well I felt and now know that I can accomplish anything if I persevere, and trust in my own capabilities.  Of course, I don't want to take all the credit, because without my Lord and Savior giving me the strength, both physically and mentally, I could not have done it.

Me at the finish line!

So, if you have doubts about whether you can do a 5K at a heavy weight, I am proof that you can!  And I want to encourage you to give it a try!  If you can't finish, that's o.k....at least you tried!  Until next time....

Friend Makin' Mondays...One Day Late!

I know this is one day late, but I just read a blog from "The Singing Bird" and thought this was really a neat idea.  So here goes!

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: "All The Weigh" so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links too so everyone has an opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Have You Ever?

1. Jumped out of an airplane? No. In fact, I have never been on a plane! And have no intention of doing so! LOL

2. Lived alone? No. After moving out of my mom's house I moved in with my best friend's family, and than on to live with my first pastor and his wife, and than back to my dad's house, and than got married! So yeah, I was a gypsy. Haha.

3. Met a celebrity? Yes, I met Brady from "Days of our Lives" and saw several Disney stars that day also...Drake from Drake and Josh, Nathan Kress from "ICarly", Mitchel Musso from "Hanna Montana, among others. Also seen and chased down Leif Garrett (my teen heartthrob) when he performed in Biloxi, MS at the Miss America Pagent years ago!

4. Said something to someone that you immediately regret saying? Yes, unfortunately.

5. Had a manicure/pedicure? I never have, but really want to.

6. Gotten a hickey? Yep! That's all I'm sayin bout that! ;)

7. Owned a pet that was not a dog or a cat? Yes, we've had a pet raccoon two different times, a pet alligator, a very short time! (He got ran over by a car), and of course a turtle, fish and birds.

8. Been outside of your home country? No, but really would love too, although I would be scared to get on a plane to go!

9. Kissed your best friend? Yes

10. Eaten food that fell on the floor? Yes. Haven't you heard of the 3 second rule? Haha

11. Met someone online? Yes, met several really nice people on Sparkpeople and am friends with them on Facebook.

12. Been on TV? No, but I have been on the front page of a newspaper when I was in 1st grade. They were doing a story on the new 1st grade teacher and me and a little boy sitting behind me were talking and I was bashful and raised my desktop up to hide from him. I guess they thought that was cute, and thus, I was on the front page! LOL...I still have the newspaper article.

13. Had braces? No, needed them, and still do, but can't afford them.

14. Gone skinny dipping? Not that I can remember.

15. Been to the opera? No, and really don't have no intentions. I hate opera!

16. Been caught making out by a policeman? Not a policeman, but a park ranger.

17. Sung in public? Yes, in a choir and with a friend.

18. Handed out candy on Halloween? Yes, and now we do at Trunk and Treat.

19. Been snowed in? Not really, but it did take me 2 hours to get home from work last year when I was caught in a snow storm! It is usually a 30 min. drive home, but cars were slipping and sliding and getting stuck. It was awful! I would rather be at home when it snows like that!

20. Fallen in front of other people? Yes, very embarrassing.

21. Cheated on a test? No, but I used to let others cheat from my test when I was in school. Not that I wanted to, but they bullied me into letting them.

22. Regretted saying “I love you” to someone? No.

23. Finished a meal in a restaurant and realized that you didn’t have your wallet? No, but one time my card was denied one time when I didn't realize I was that low in my account! It was embarrassing, but luckily I had a business debit card and I used that.

24. Shot a gun? Yes, maybe once or twice hunting with my brothers.

25. Heard a song that was written for (or about) you? No,


Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Don’t forget to come back here and link up in the comments! Happy Monday, friends!

I Will Not Be Easily Offended

I am absolutely still amazed at God's timing and God's working in my life!  As I have posted earlier I am reading "Power Thoughts" by Joyce Meyer and have been taking one week per power thought to meditate, study and speak out to myself and God each thought for that week.  It has amazed me how each week the thought has been right on target with what I needed for that week.  I am only on power thought #4 out of 12, so this will be a long process.  But through it all I am learning and memorizing scriptures and hiding the Word in my heart.  Just to refresh your memories, here are the ones I have been through so far:

Power Thought #1 - I can do whatever I need to do in life through Christ.  (Based on Philippians 4:13)
Power Thought #2 - God loves me unconditionally! (Based on Ephesians 1:4)
Power Thought #3 - I will not live in fear. (Based on 2 Timothy 1:7)

And the one I started today:
Power Thought #4 - I am difficult to offend. (Psalm 119:165)

What amazes me about God's timing on this one, is that I have struggled this past week with a spirit of rejection.  I have been easily offended.  I am not proud of this, but I have realized that situations in my past have caused this spirit to take hold of my life and has caused me to believe the lies that I am not wanted or important, or even loved.  I think that is why I even have a hard time believing that God really loves me unconditionally.  I feel like I have to work for His love...do good...which we all know that our righteousness is as filthy rags!  It is only in Him and His righteousness that we can live a righteous and Holy life!

So, how in the world did I just happen to be on this chapter in the book and this power thought just happened to be the one I needed for this week?  It's God!  And just to show you how God is working through all this, I have also started reading another book that God actually led me to last week, called "The Skinny Diet".  A completely different type of book talking about losing weight on a "skinny" budget.  It is written by a christian woman who has lost 155 pounds and she did it while allowing God to be in control of her weight loss journey, instead of her being in control, and not only did she lose the weight, she also lost a lot of debt!  (I will talk more about this book as I read through it).

So, as I am reading some this morning in "The Skinny Budget Diet" after reading about the Power Thought of not being easily offended, I just "so happen" to be in a part that talks about emotional eating and the lies we tend to believe about ourselves.  This is what it said:

"Although the lies may never go away while we walk on this earth, they will grow weaker every time we honestly confront them for what they are. Lies.  Don't allow them to turn a bad day into a bad week into a bad month.  Pray and let God shine the light of truth on them!"  Can you say, GOD?!  Wow!

In my last blog I asked the question about What does it mean to Give it to God.  I think I am finally understanding how that looks.  Something else I read this morning in the diet book really made sense as to what it actually looks like to do this.  I highlighted this statement.:

"When you feel tempted, you will need a strength that goes beyond your own.  When you feel disappointed, you will need a loving Father and the unshakable foundation that FAITH and PRAYER can provide.  It can be a base of support that will stand strong even when the people in your life disappoint you."  (I put the emphasis on the Faith and Prayer).

So, there you have it.  God is amazing, and He is slowly opening my eyes and my heart to "hear" Him and totally give all control to Him.

What Does It Mean to "Give it to God"?

Just wanted to let every one know that I am still here and still doing all I know to do, physically, to continue on this journey.  It's the spiritual part that I am having problems with...the letting God have control and show me what to do.

You see, I know there are many ways and many different "eating" plans and "exercise" plans that one can use to lose weight.  I just have to find the right plan for me.  I know there are many people who have succeeded in losing a lot of weight, and if you ask them how they did it, it is always different.  So, no one way is right or wrong, it's just whatever works for you.  I am still working on which plan will work for me, but I do know, it has to be something I can do for the rest of my life.

I know there are some things that I have to just "DO IT", and there are other things...spiritual things...that I have to learn not to try so hard and just give it to God.  There is an older lady at our church who has lost a lot of weight...over 200 pounds, I think she said.  She comes to me every time she sees me at church...sometimes she says I am running from her...but really I'm not!  But she does get on to me really hard! LOL

She keeps telling me, "Until you give it over to God, you will not lose the weight".  I keep telling her, "I know, I'm trying to do that".  And she says, "NO! NO! Stop trying!  Just give it to Him!"

So, my question is this.  What exactly does that look like?  HOW exactly do you do that?  I mean, I really am trying, but does it mean I stop trying so hard?  I mean, I still have to actually DO some things to make it happen, I can't just expect God to just make my weight go down!  So, what does it really mean, to give it to God?

Disappointment

When I started this blog, I said I was going to be as open and honest as I know how, because, I want to capture what thoughts and feelings take place in not only my own journey to health and freedom from obesity, but hopefully let people see into the thoughts and struggles of someone who is obese and trying to lose weight.

Well, I'm not going to lie here...I am very frustrated and disappointed this morning!  I have read, and I know that we shouldn't let the number on the scale dictate how we feel, but come on...the second week into this journey, I should be seeing really good results than what are happening!  Last week I lost only 1.5 pounds.  This week I gained that 1.5 pounds back!  Most really heavy people when they start a weight loss program they lose like 3, 4, even 5 pounds in the first week, and they usually lose lots of weight in the first few weeks, because let's face it...the bigger you are, the easier it is to lose weight.  Well, not me!  I mean, yes, I have gone over a few days on my calories, but I have also kept the habit up of getting up first thing in the morning, spending time with God and exercising.  You would think that it would make some difference.

I have been reading the "Power Thoughts" Book by Joyce Meyer, and week one was the Philippians 4:13 scripture: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  And reading ahead for next week, the power thought is "God loves me unconditionally".  One thing I read this week, as I was reading ahead in this chapter, was that we often ask the question..."What is wrong with me?"...throughout our lives, and Joyce was saying this in the book that this is a common question that the enemy puts in our minds that we are not what we need to be and to prevent us from enjoying ourselves and not seeing who God sees us as.

Well, honestly, I actually said that this morning!  I actually asked myself, "What is wrong with me?!  Why can't I lose weight?  Why do I have to work so hard, only to see the scale go up instead of down?  I mean, hear I am, God, I am trying my hardest to give this all to you.  Why?"

I'm sorry, I am being totally honest here.  I just don't understand.  Yes, I wanted to just give up and just eat whatever I want to eat today, but I'm not going to.  Yes, I am very disappointed.  But, I just know if I keep persevering something good has got to happen.  I just have to believe that God is trying to teach me something here.  I really am trying to give this all to Him.  I know that without Him I can't do anything.

So, sorry if this blog is not very positive, but it is what it is.  It is real, and that is what this blog is supposed to be about.

One Week Down!

Well, I did it!  I actually stayed on course for one week!  I tracked everything I put into my mouth using my "My Fitness Pal" app.  I find it is easier to use than the "SparkPeople Food Tracker".  Sunday is my free day, my day that I can eat what I want, but even so it was my free day, I still tracked everything I ate...and it wasn't pretty!  Not that I ate a lot, because I didn't, but it was what I ate.  We went to Chili's for my daughter's 14th birthday, because she wanted to get one of those Chocolate Molten Cakes that just ooze out like a volcano...yummmm!  I only had 3 bites, but I tracked it on my app as an 1/8 serving.  Do you know how many calories is on one of those things?!  1,280 calories!!!!  Geeez!  And on top of that, Instead of getting something healthier, I ordered my favorite...the Chipotle Chicken and Southwestern Egg Rolls.  I won't even tell you how many calories is in that!  Well, I didn't eat it all, at least in that sitting...I took the left overs home and ate them for supper, so yes, I did eat the whole thing in a days time.

So, that's my confession.  But like I said, I did track everything I ate, and on top of that, even though I allow myself to drink anything on my free day, I did not get a coke.  So it has been since 8 days today that I have not had one.  I just think right now I need to not allow myself one, because I think it would just make me want one more this week, and it is already hard enough to get right back on track today.

But I did accomplish something this week.  I not only tracked everything I ate for an entire week, but I actually stayed under my calorie range on Saturday!  And that was being out all day with my daughter shopping for clothes for her birthday, as that is what she wanted me to get her.  I am very proud of myself for that accomplishment because weekends have always been my downfall.  It's the routine thing that gets me off track.  I get up later, and I just don't want to do what I normally do on the weekdays.  But Saturday, even though I slept in till 9:30 I went ahead and started the day off like a weekday.  I did my "God Habit"...talked to Him first thing, than got on the bike and rode for 20 minutes, instead of 30. Than I ate a banana, got ready and ate a sandwich for lunch before we left...that way, we would only have to eat out once that day.  Both Rebekah and I got a kid's meal at a Japanese Noodles place in the mall....it was noodles and Orange Chicken...we only ate half of the kid's meal!  We were both full!  I guess we should have shared one kid's meal, huh? LOL

So, enough about boring you all with what I ate.  Spiritually I am hopeful.  Although right now, as I am writing this, I am wanting chocolate, or something sweet and it is about the time I would normally get something out of the vending machine...I am instead writing this post.  So, yes, I am hopeful that this time around I will really succeed at this weight loss thing.  I know week two will be tougher, it always is, but if I can just get through the hump, and allow God to speak to me and help me to do this, I know I can.  Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me"!